For as long as I can remember people who always get close to me have moved away; everyone always seemed to leave, one by one and if they came back it wasn’t for long. I felt like a rose and they were the petals that seemed to make up who I was and one by one they fell away. Occasionally, they would grow back, but they would leave again and that was something I could always count on.
Sometimes, new ones would grow, for I am a rose with ever so few petals. But through all the struggles of having people leave, I began to close up, I heightened my walls, I began encasing myself, for my petals not only began to fall, but wither away to what I thought was; to completely disintegrate into an utter nothingness, never to grow or come back at all.
I found myself pushing others away, treating those who were leaving as if they had died, for I was convinced that the tides of life would push them away completely and that as much as we could ever try to stay in touch I would lose them in the oceans infinite depths. I would spend days on end stuck in dysphoria until I decided to reveal myself to the sun and open up to the world, to people once again. But until I had done that, I would spend days in bed crying and having anxiety attacks at even the thought of going outside because I had cut everyone off so much that I thought they had forgotten I was a living, breathing being too.
I once even told a friend who had left “See you next lifetime” for I had just begun making assumptions that once they had left, we would never speak or associate again, for I was ever so close to them and I thought things would never be the same again. In my head I had made it clear that they had died and now here I am writing this, recollecting on all the times I allowed the sadness of losing people envelope me.
I had told myself no one could ever replace them and no one ever will for everyone is unique, but I made the mistake of blocking everyone off. I made the mistake of cutting the world off and giving no one the opportunity to ally with me on my future endeavours and I to accompany them on theirs.
Every once in a while, it’s okay to block people off and seal yourself in your confines, but don’t ever forget there’s a whole world out there waiting to embrace you, don’t forget that people do and can come come back to you, don’t forget that you will grow new petals or that old ones may return. Don’t forget that when someone leaves the connection is not always severed and that when you do see them again, things can be like they always were and if not better.
Don’t forget that people do come back, don’t forget that there is always that ounce of hope, don’t forget to open yourself up to the world, don’t forget to never stop embracing and loving the people around you, don’t forget to never stop embracing life, for it is this one lifetime we have to embrace it all.